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6am: K2 wakes up (he’s been waking every half hour since 4am but this time he’s up for the day). I play with him for a bit then hand him over to nanny S.

6:15am: the alarm goes off. I snuggle for a few minutes with K1 to slowly wake him up.

6:30am: K1 is up. We go brush teeth, eat breakfast, shower and get ready for school.

7:15am: Call for a cab. K2 starts crying. He looks sleepy and hungry. But I need to put K1’s shoes on and pack the bag. Hand K2 to nanny S with a bottle and rush out of the door with K1.

7:30am: We are sitting in the cab. I play games with him that can have him laugh a bit to get rid of his anxiety re: going to school.

8:00am: I drop him off in his class. He starts crying as I make a move to leave. I spend a few moments trying to reassure him but then the teacher asks me to leave. With a heavy heart, I leave, resisting the urge to turn and look. Well, I don’t and turn to see him crying big tears. My heart breaks.

8:45am: Back home. K2 gives a big smile when he sees me. And I think…it’s all worth it. Play with him for a while and love hearing him laugh.

9:15am: K2 starts feeling hungry. Feed him and put him to sleep.

9:45am: Take a shower, get ready to go pick K1 up and call the cab.

10:15am: The cab service messages to cancel the booking. I panic. Luckily I find another cab within ten minutes. But I’m still a bit nervous. Don’t want to be a second late to pick K1 up. He gets super anxious if doesn’t see me amongst other parents.

11:00am: Reach the school and chat to other parents who are waiting

11:15am: Pick K1 up from his class. He seems ok. The teacher had given him some water to gulp the feelings down. Make a mental note to bring it up again with him so he feels free to express his emotions. Get some books from the library and catch a cab. We talk about a few things that happened and then he dozes off.

12pm: Back home to K2’s big smile. He loves K1. I play with both of them together.

12:30pm: K2 needs to be fed. K1 doesn’t want to let me go so he starts crying and holds on to me. I tell nanny S to take him away. He looks at me like I broke his heart.

1pm: K2 is asleep. K1 and I have lunch together.

1:30pm: K2 is up and K1 is still eating. K2 wants to eat everything in sight. I give him a piece of bread to keep him occupied.

2pm: K1 wants to read the books we got from the library. K2 is in one arm and K1 sits next to the other one. I read the two books to him. He doesn’t like one book that has the main character lose a race. I explain that he lost because he wanted to help some people. I tell him helping people is more important than winning. He says he can do both. I agree.

3pm: I’m ready to collapse. I tell K1 I’m going to take a nap. He doesn’t want me to go and starts crying. A few minutes later nanny S is able to distract him. I hit the bed and start snoring in seconds. 20 minutes later, K2 is hungry again so I feed him and go back to bed.

4pm: I wake up and K1 and I have special time together (nobody else is allowed for 20 minutes and I have to do/play whatever he tells me to do/play). In the middle K2 starts crying…but my commitment to K1 is that I will not do anything else but be with him so I tell nanny S to handle K2. My heart keeps breaking as I hear K2 sob.

4:20pm: Special time is up but K1 doesn’t want to end it. He has a meltdown. I expected this and so I hold him and let him cry. He cries about how he doesn’t want a little brother and that he wishes he would go away. My heart breaks. But I hold on. I tell him I know it’s hard and that it’ll get better. I don’t know if that helps but after some time he calms down.

5:15pm: We get ready to go to the garden. K2 is hungry and so I tell K1 to go with nanny S. He protests a bit but then goes. I feed K2 and then we go down as well.

5:40pm: I hand K2 over to the nanny and go for a brisk walk. I speak to my mom. She’s perfect – empathetic and logical. I get some of my energy back having interacted with someone over the age of 4.

6pm: Time to go back home. K1 has food while I sit with him. K2 starts feeling sleepy so I go and feed him and put him to bed. K1 is not happy to let me go but then gets distracted by ipad.

6:30pm: K2 is asleep. K1 finishes up. Get him ready and put him to bed. I tell him I love him always. ‘Even when I cry, mommy?’ My heart breaks. I tell him I love him no matter what. And then watch him doze off.

7:15pm: Both kids are asleep. Hallelujah.

7:30pm: K2 wakes up, nanny S puts him back to sleep. Wakes up half an hour later again. I go feed him and put him back to bed.

8:15pm: Dinner, faff on fb, read articles on parenting and how I could be doing a better job.

9pm: I’m knackered. I think about the work that I need to start doing and I think tomorrow will be a better day. There must be a way that I can take out 3-4 hours in an entire day.

9:30pm: I go to bed and watch the two babies sleeping. And I fall in love all over again. I think of the million things I wish I’d done differently today and promise myself, and them, that I will tomorrow.

10pm: I sleep. Hoping that K2 wouldn’t wake up for at least 2 more hours. I’m so grateful to my nanny and my mom for their constant support.