Inspired again

Tags

Inspiration, parenting, Plans

Yesterday I had been feeling overwhelmed and I needed someone to ‘witness’ my day. I needed someone to see that I wake up ten times in the night, that I am juggling and struggling to manage the two babies, that I am parenting almost every minute of the day, that I am exhausted beyond anything. Just that. Witness. No words needed. (I didn’t know who would want to listen to every minute of my day!) So I blogged about it. And it was therapeutic! I highly recommend it to tired parents out there.

Once I wrote about my day, I also understood that I really am occupied every minute of the day. That I really am not getting enough sleep. And more than the physical exhaustion, it is the emotional ups and downs, that are so a part of parenting, that are also using up my energy. So many heartbreaking as well as heartwarming situations in a day. So many emotions. And so it’s ok to feel tired and overwhelmed.

I also made a few changes to my day. I have actually found some time to work. It’s not ideal but starting work again has lifted my spirits a bit.

I reread my life goals. And they inspired me yet again. I know this phase is hard. But it won’t last forever. This too shall pass. Until then, I want to make the most of it.

A day in the life of a (very) tired mom

Tags

parenting

6am: K2 wakes up (he’s been waking every half hour since 4am but this time he’s up for the day). I play with him for a bit then hand him over to nanny S.

6:15am: the alarm goes off. I snuggle for a few minutes with K1 to slowly wake him up.

6:30am: K1 is up. We go brush teeth, eat breakfast, shower and get ready for school.

7:15am: Call for a cab. K2 starts crying. He looks sleepy and hungry. But I need to put K1’s shoes on and pack the bag. Hand K2 to nanny S with a bottle and rush out of the door with K1.

7:30am: We are sitting in the cab. I play games with him that can have him laugh a bit to get rid of his anxiety re: going to school.

8:00am: I drop him off in his class. He starts crying as I make a move to leave. I spend a few moments trying to reassure him but then the teacher asks me to leave. With a heavy heart, I leave, resisting the urge to turn and look. Well, I don’t and turn to see him crying big tears. My heart breaks.

8:45am: Back home. K2 gives a big smile when he sees me. And I think…it’s all worth it. Play with him for a while and love hearing him laugh.

9:15am: K2 starts feeling hungry. Feed him and put him to sleep.

9:45am: Take a shower, get ready to go pick K1 up and call the cab.

10:15am: The cab service messages to cancel the booking. I panic. Luckily I find another cab within ten minutes. But I’m still a bit nervous. Don’t want to be a second late to pick K1 up. He gets super anxious if doesn’t see me amongst other parents.

11:00am: Reach the school and chat to other parents who are waiting

11:15am: Pick K1 up from his class. He seems ok. The teacher had given him some water to gulp the feelings down. Make a mental note to bring it up again with him so he feels free to express his emotions. Get some books from the library and catch a cab. We talk about a few things that happened and then he dozes off.

12pm: Back home to K2’s big smile. He loves K1. I play with both of them together.

12:30pm: K2 needs to be fed. K1 doesn’t want to let me go so he starts crying and holds on to me. I tell nanny S to take him away. He looks at me like I broke his heart.

1pm: K2 is asleep. K1 and I have lunch together.

1:30pm: K2 is up and K1 is still eating. K2 wants to eat everything in sight. I give him a piece of bread to keep him occupied.

2pm: K1 wants to read the books we got from the library. K2 is in one arm and K1 sits next to the other one. I read the two books to him. He doesn’t like one book that has the main character lose a race. I explain that he lost because he wanted to help some people. I tell him helping people is more important than winning. He says he can do both. I agree.

3pm: I’m ready to collapse. I tell K1 I’m going to take a nap. He doesn’t want me to go and starts crying. A few minutes later nanny S is able to distract him. I hit the bed and start snoring in seconds. 20 minutes later, K2 is hungry again so I feed him and go back to bed.

4pm: I wake up and K1 and I have special time together (nobody else is allowed for 20 minutes and I have to do/play whatever he tells me to do/play). In the middle K2 starts crying…but my commitment to K1 is that I will not do anything else but be with him so I tell nanny S to handle K2. My heart keeps breaking as I hear K2 sob.

4:20pm: Special time is up but K1 doesn’t want to end it. He has a meltdown. I expected this and so I hold him and let him cry. He cries about how he doesn’t want a little brother and that he wishes he would go away. My heart breaks. But I hold on. I tell him I know it’s hard and that it’ll get better. I don’t know if that helps but after some time he calms down.

5:15pm: We get ready to go to the garden. K2 is hungry and so I tell K1 to go with nanny S. He protests a bit but then goes. I feed K2 and then we go down as well.

5:40pm: I hand K2 over to the nanny and go for a brisk walk. I speak to my mom. She’s perfect – empathetic and logical. I get some of my energy back having interacted with someone over the age of 4.

6pm: Time to go back home. K1 has food while I sit with him. K2 starts feeling sleepy so I go and feed him and put him to bed. K1 is not happy to let me go but then gets distracted by ipad.

6:30pm: K2 is asleep. K1 finishes up. Get him ready and put him to bed. I tell him I love him always. ‘Even when I cry, mommy?’ My heart breaks. I tell him I love him no matter what. And then watch him doze off.

7:15pm: Both kids are asleep. Hallelujah.

7:30pm: K2 wakes up, nanny S puts him back to sleep. Wakes up half an hour later again. I go feed him and put him back to bed.

8:15pm: Dinner, faff on fb, read articles on parenting and how I could be doing a better job.

9pm: I’m knackered. I think about the work that I need to start doing and I think tomorrow will be a better day. There must be a way that I can take out 3-4 hours in an entire day.

9:30pm: I go to bed and watch the two babies sleeping. And I fall in love all over again. I think of the million things I wish I’d done differently today and promise myself, and them, that I will tomorrow.

10pm: I sleep. Hoping that K2 wouldn’t wake up for at least 2 more hours. I’m so grateful to my nanny and my mom for their constant support.

A year later…

Tags

parenting, Plans

We’ve finally sold our house and are in the process of buying another one that we will move in to with my in-laws. It took so much longer than I had originally planned for. This is a year of changes – new baby, new house, new help, new school for my older one. A lot of change for a 3.5 year old and I need to be extra sensitive to him to help him adjust with all of this.

The biggest change for me will be living with the in-laws. It’s going to be great and hard at the same time. I need to find win win solutions, because our philosophies are different (opposite) in many areas, but I find myself struggling with that at the moment. Win-win is going to be my mantra.

Things I’ve learned as a parent

Tags

parenting

There are a lot of things that I thought I would be teaching to my child when I was expecting him. But I did not know that I would be learning so much. There are loads of other things I’ve learnt from observing him – the things that children do that we, as adults, have forgotten. But this one is about what I learned in the process of parenting.

1. Empathy: It’s so much easier to scold, give advice or ignore especially with a young child, but I’m learning every day to empathise instead. A lot of times I just repeat what he says or vocalize what he may be feeling or even just nod. And every time I do that, I see that he opens up even more. It’s like he feels safe that he won’t be judged for what he will say next. Sometimes, however, my instant reaction is to tell him what he should / could have done and while that is necessary when I want to teach him something, it usually doesn’t lead to any learning – for either of us.
2. Listening: Throughout the day, my boy wants to tell me stories, ask questions, tell me about what happened in the playground, about how he handled something, and as a full time parent, it’s been quite challenging to give him my full attention every time he speaks. It’s quite easy to pretend to be busy with the phone or the laptop, or half listen while thinking about something else. But I think he subconsciously gets it when I’m really listening and when I’m not. I’ve noticed that when I do consciously listen to him with full attention, he is a lot more agreeable. It’s like I’ve refilled his cup of love for that moment and he’s okay to be on his own for a while. And when I don’t, sometimes he gets persistent, louder or just whiny.
3. Being present: I’ve generally been intuitive about how people are feeling, but being a parent has taken it to the next level. Very often, I know when he’s upset or sad or scared. In fact, I can anticipate when he’s going to have a meltdown or be emotionally overloaded. Being present has meant not reacting to that when it happens but understanding where it’s coming from. So many times when I’ve ‘disapproved’ of a certain behaviour, there was another thing that was causing it. Like when he was pointing a torch light in his baby brother’s eyes – he was just making sure no mosquitos were troubling him. Or when he didn’t want to share his car with his friend, it was because the other car made him feel a lot smaller. We’ve had conversations around the root causes and brainstormed on what he can do the next time this happens, but it has helped me stay really calm. Also, it’s helped me learn that a lot of times when people are upset, something else may be the underlying cause entirely, something that we haven’t seen on the surface level.
4. Pushing out of my comfort zone: In order to be a role model for him, I have tried to push myself out of my comfort zone, whether it is speaking to strangers in the lift or jumping in the puddles or singing in the middle of a crowd or holding insects to show him there’s nothing to be scared of or impromptu dancing anywhere anytime, because I want him to be confident and because I don’t want him to bother about what other people think. These things haven’t come naturally to me. It’s like I’m conquering my fears just to make sure my son grows up fearless.
5. Win-win: We teach this concept but never have I so consciously practiced it. Whenever there’s a situation when he and I want different things, and as a 3 year old there are a lot of such situations, instead of pulling the ‘because I say so’ rule, I try and get him to think of the problem and the options that are available and then choose the one that he thinks is win-win. So many times I think he’s not going to bite it, but he surprises me by usually picking up, or at least being okay with, the win win option. In doing that, I think I’m training not just his but also my mind to think win win.

I don’t know if being a coach has helped me be a better parent, or being a parent has helped me be a better coach. It’s probably both. But I’ve learned that conscious parenting is way better for my learning, and hopefully for his, than accidental parenting.

Getting closer to the goal

Tags

clarity

What a busy week this has been. First everyone in the family has been down with the viral bug. Poor kiddo is still coughing away like his lungs will come out. It’s so painful to watch. Except that I’m coughing like mad too and to top that, I can’t take any meds right now. Some rest over the weekend should help.

But the happier news is that I’m getting closer to my (sub)goal of creating the support structure. We’ve put the current house on sale and almost decided which apartment we will be buying. We’re going to finalize that in the next week and also find out if we can avail a loan (based on which we will know if all this is possible). If we do get the loan, it’s going to be a very long next 3 months, with a lot of paper work involved, but by the end of it we will be in the new house! That’s very exciting! The grandparents will move in in a few months time – probably around the time the new baby is here – which will be perfect.

Posted this link (http://www.womensagenda.com.au/talking-about/world-of-women/the-ceo-expecting-her-fifth-child/201408154468#.U-43yo2SzFO) on a group today and one of the comments was that these people have a lot of money and support available to them. Probably true. But how often do we try to create that for ourselves, especially when we can. I think I’m lucky in a lot of ways but I’m happy that I’m being proactive in order to make things happen. I know though that that couldn’t have happened if I didn’t have the clarity on my long term goals as I have now. 

And then it strikes again

Tags

Balance, Reality, Toddler

Reality that is.

My tot developed conjunctivitis today and I’m all alone looking after him. Poor thing, with his itchy, red, gooey eyes. But he’s still such a great child. No fuss…well not a lot considering he’s barely 3. Finally put him to sleep and sat down to have some dinner and savour the few precious moments of silence before I hit the bed too. So tired.

But, hats off to women (or men) who do this alone. I have no idea how they manage it. I don’t know if they have enough support. I think anybody raising a kid should have tons of support because it’s more than one person’s, in fact 2 people’s, heck it’s more than 3 people’s job put together. 

And it reminds me again that I need to create that support for myself. It’s there for the taking, I just need to bring it all together. Going house hunting tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

 

World hates women?

Tags

feminism, Mindsets

Saw this clip titled ‘World hates women’ with statistics and anecdotes to illustrate how women are suffering (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwl7olQ54iw&feature=youtu.be&noredirect=1). I agree that there needs to be awareness around the numbers but I recoiled at the title. World hates women? I don’t think so. At least not the entire world. And, to me, it feels like we are perpetuating feminism extremism with messaging like this. You ought to hate men and pity women…is the message I get from this. I don’t think that’s the intention but maybe this is one of the reasons why people are hesitant in supporting feminism. Yes, we need to address the issues. Yes, we need to spread awareness. Yes, we need to look at the hard facts. But, no, we don’t need to make it harder than it is. We need to be able to find a way to spread love and compassion towards women even more rather than confirming their fears that the world hates them. Perhaps the message that we need to send out to women is that they are still loved, and always will be. 

And that’s why I dislike rape being made such a big deal because it shames the women, it makes them feel less worthy, it makes them feel like they have something to hide, it makes them feel like they have done something wrong. It needs to be made a big deal but only in order to deal with the rapist and to address the larger issues that perpetuate rape. It needs to be treated in the same way as if someone brutally hurt someone, nothing more nothing less. Only if our mindsets change around this, will women start talking about it openly, without any shame and, perhaps, without so much bitterness. And I do think that will make us stronger.

And, I know, this is easier said than done.

 

Women against Feminism

Tags

equalism, feminism, WAF

I just came across the website for women against feminism showing pictures of women holding a piece of paper on why they don’t need feminism. When I saw it I was speechless for a long time. I had no idea that there are people who are against advocating for equal rights. I knew there were people who said they weren’t feminists but I took that to be apathy rather than active opposition.

The women on the website say that they are against feminism because are not oppressed. That’s great! But do they know that there are women who cannot vote and cannot drive? The fight is for them. The women say they love their men. Fantastic! But do they know there are men who beat up their wives on a regular basis? The fight is for them. The women say they chose to stay at home. Wonderful. But do they know that some women are not allowed to step out of their homes? The fight is for them. For women who are not allowed to speak in front of men. For women who are told what to wear. For women who are told how to sit, how to behave. For women, who didn’t have a chance to be born because of selective sex abortion. It’s for all of that and so much more.

But it’s not about hating men. It’s not about saying women are superior. It’s not about ‘irrational fear of men’ (as one woman put it). It’s not about saying men and women should be the same. 

Perhaps these people haven’t faced any of these situations and therefore they feel nobody does. But maybe the fact that they haven’t faced any of this means that someone before them spoke for them and their rights. 

We definitely need feminism so that we can move towards equalism.

Striking a balance: kids and career

Tags

Balance, feminism, Mindsets

Yesterday I went to see my doc and on an impulse asked her how she managed her kids and career when the kids were small. The most important thing, she said, was that she had a lot of support from her family, husband and nannies. She also worked flexibly during the early stages and believed that whatever little she was doing, though frustrating at that time, was contributing to her career for the longer term.

As I mulled over the pearls of wisdom and thought about how I could apply them to my life, I wondered if men get asked these questions. I thought back to all the interviews I’ve seen and I couldn’t remember a single interview of a man where he was asked this question. Whereas, almost every interview with a woman with kids had questions around this. Whether it was Michelle Obama or Indira Nooyi, they were asked the same question. And while I think that it is so important for young women with kids who want to have a career to have such answers, to have such role models because there are so few out there, it speaks volumes about how it’s still a ‘women’s issue’ that she needs to look after her kids even if she has a career.

As I was thinking about all of this, I came across an article of this guy who has chosen to step down from the post of a CEO to be more with his kids (http://maxschireson.com/2014/08/05/1137/) And I went wow, we need more men like these and kudos to him. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but think that if it were a woman, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, in fact it would have been the expected thing to do.

But then…small steps and every step needs to be celebrated.

 

Women need to believe they are equals

Tags

belief, equalism, feminism

Recently, I had a conversation with my husband (so lucky that I married the most liberal guy I know) about feminism and my growing desire to do something for the women. One of the statements he said really struck me. He said it’s like blind racism…imagine if a guy wasn’t allowed to wear certain types of clothes, or if he didn’t feel comfortable going out of the house after a certain time for fear of being assaulted, or if he feared going in the crowds for fear of being groped, or being paid 60% of what others were being paid for the same job, it would be called gross racism and injustice. But nobody really talks about this and it’s because the women take it.

This is so true that it’s uncomfortable. Although I think it’s the women who take it, and the men who allow it, and thereby perpetuate it. I think it’s the responsibility of both the genders to bring feminism to the fore. Just like the poor can’t bridge the gap without the rich advocating for them. Just like slavery was abolished not by the slaves but by the white men in power. The men need to play an active role in bringing the women up along with them.

But the issue is so complex, it overwhelms me. It won’t get ‘abolished’ by passing of one law. There will need to be work done on so many, many different levels. And I think one of the major forces will be making the women aware of their right to be equals. Women have so easily accepted ‘their place’ in the society, it’s so ingrained in them, in us, that it’s not going to be an easy task to start believing that we can be, and we must be, equals.

It’s a huge vision I set for myself, and I don’t know fully how I’m going to achieve it yet, but I’m forming some ideas already. If I can change the lives of even a few women in my lifetime, I think it would all be worth it.